Unlucky for some. Especially if you bought Eze, captained him, and made him the subject of a £100 bet to get some fucking Hufflepuff to follow you.
Which XI players of crystallised anal essence made the hallowed halls this week.
Let’s get this over with.
SANCHEZ – 4.6 – CHELSEA
I still don’t quite know how Roberto Sanchez is the Chelsea number 1. Perhaps the biggest irony is that Brighton haven’t kept a single clean sheet since they sold him; and are now rotating two equally mediocre stoppers in a high stakes game of shit chicken.
Are these clubs not interested in keepers who’s job it is to keep the ball out of the net?
DUNK – 5.0 – BRIGHTON
The Brighton captain has had his worse season to date, so it’s only fitting that he’s finally got back in the England squad. Dunk’s 5th red card in as many years was awarded for insulting the referee.
But what did he call him? Let’s find out?
- A monstrous bellend
- A titanic titmouse
- A colossal clown fucker
- Anthony Taylor
That’s right. The answer is D. Far and away the worst thing you can call a Premier League referee.
YOUNG – 4.4 – EVERTON
Booked for a reckless lunge before leaving a dangling leg out in the penalty area, it’s possible that Ashley Young might not be up to the speed of the Premier League anymore now he’s in his 40s.
It’s okay though, because Seamus Coleman is oh fucking hell
THE BURNLEY DEFENCE
Last week I included all of Burnley, so they’re making progress. Thus far only one of their defenders (Taylor) has more FPL points than appearances. 1-0 at home after 86 minutes, they somehow lost due to an own goal and just stubbornly refusing to mark a cross.
We didn’t deserve to lose said Kompany after the match. A man who has getting sacked etched so clearly on to his face that it may as well be drawn on with permanent marker.
It was “cruel”
Which it was. But it was also fucking shite.
ENZO – 4.8 – CHELSEA
Chelsea bought Enzo Fernandez for £106m and he currently has the same number of yellow cards as wins. Just 7 in 30 matches. A 23% win percentage.
Bournemouth, who are shit, have won 27% of their matches since returning to the Premier League. And are barely staying in it.
What a signing.
DIABY – 6.8 – ASTON VILLA
Dragged after 45 minutes of poetic torture. Diaby completed just 9 passes and generally drifted around with the menace of a wet fart in an elevator. You kinda knew he was there, but you didn’t really have a sense of how, what or why.
MARTINELLI – 7.8 – ARSENAL
As people continue to question if Bukayo Saka is worth 8.7m, a player with 9 returns off an xGI of 8.18, almost nobody is mentioning how ineffective Arsenal’s other winger has been this season.
Martinelli’s xGI is 2.80. Which is lower than Christian Norgaard and James Garner.
DOUCOURE – 5.5 – EVERTON
As much of a number 10 as I am, Abdoulaye Doucoure helped continue Harry Maguire’s immortal renaissance with his 3rd back-to-back clean sheet.
Everton have as much sense of where the goal is as their accountants do to a profit and sustainability sheet.
ARCHER – 4.6 – SHEFFIELD UTD
This was the one week we needed you mate. This was it. You were at home to Bournemouth. You had one touch in the box and didn’t even have a shot.
I know you play for Sheffield United, which can’t be easy. But at least try and make it look like you’re not biding your time for that 25 goal season in the Championship.
ALVAREZ – 7.1 – MANCHESTER CITY
After 9 returns in his first 9 matches, it’s now just 1 in the past 4 for the visibly knackered Julian Alvarez.
I’m not saying he looked jet lagged, but at one point on Saturday he asked the referee what the in-flight meal was.
MBEUMO – 7.1 – BRENTFORD
Alleged centre forward Bryan Mbeumo added further to the growing gap between his xG and number of goals. The love child of Analytics FC and Team Vibes, he has Luton at home next and apparently a floor of 25 points.
So 4 penalties.
An absolutely wretched week.
I’m tired people. And I do mean literally, my fucking cat is keeping me up all hours crying about his fucking train wreck of a team from downstairs.
We go again. Somehow, someway. Because we want to.