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TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 14

I’m going to be up front and honest with you all right from the start. Darwin Nunez is in here. It’s not the first time, and it won’t be the last.

Will the FPL Community ever learn? Or will it continue to be led down the garden path by the Pied Pipers of Analytics FC?

Let’s dive the hell in.

KELLEHER – 3.9 – LIVERPOOL

Asking any keeper to be the understudy to the best in the world is a pretty tall order. But the come down from Alisson to Kelleher is basically skydiving without a fucking parachute.

Leno conceded 4 and scored an own goal. And he couldn’t even outscore him.

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VAN HECKE – 4.0 – BRIGHTON

Brighton are now so bad defensively, that revolutionary manager Roberto De Zerbi has started practicing how quickly his keepers can get the ball out from the net and back to the centre circle.

Ven Heke is yet to keep a clean sheet in his club career. Less van Hecke, more van fucking Train Wreck

TRUSTY – 3.9 – SHEFFIELD UTD

7 starts, zero clean sheets, 21 goals conceded. If this is what trust looks like I dread to think what fucking deceit resembles.

Losing 5-0 to your relegation rivals is the footballing equivalent of telling your boss to go fuck themselves at the Christmas Party.

Good luck on Monday lads…

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FELIPE – 4.4 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

On at half time, Felipe was booked once, should have been booked twice more, conceded, lost the game and generally played with the nous of a skunk who has got a whiff of its scent and has poisoned itself.

A towering prick.

DAVIES – 4.3 – TOTTENHAM

It’s not Ben Davies fault that he’s a fascinatingly mediocre LCB in a 3, being asked to play… er, CB in a 2 with Emerson Royale? Against the best attack in the world.

It went about as well as you suspected it would.

Like tossing a toddler into the jungle and saying “good luck kid”

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MCTOMINAY – 4.8 – MANCHESTER UTD

Not strong enough to be a 6, not smart enough to be an 8 and not creative enough to be a 10. McTominay is essentially a throw back late impact player ala Marouane Fellaini. Only without the hair. Or the vibes.

It says everything you need to know how the state of the current Manchester United manager, that McTominay has gone from being asked to leave the club to starting every match because he shithoused a couple of late goals.

This isn’t careless. It’s clueless.

GIBBS-WHITE – 5.7 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

A creative vacuum, at home to a team in the relegation zone, the Forest forward drifted aimlessly around like a hobo eight pints deep.

The Forest attack looked so disinterested they could have been playing for Manchester United.

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BOWEN – 7.6 – WEST HAM UTD

Declared legally dead by David Moyes just hours before rising to start the match, his manager may well have wished he hadn’t bothered. Wasteful throughout, Bowen played with the look of a man who had been kidnapped and just released.

He finished on a barely credible minus 6 bps.

RASHFORD – 8.5 – MANCHESTER UTD

To be fair to Marcus Rashford, none of us know if he isn’t involved in some sort of high stakes “Speed” like scenario, whereby if he runs back to help his defence out, he explodes.

Manchester police surely have time to start investigating this. Or at the least trying to help the club score a fucking goal.

NUNEZ – 7.7 – LIVERPOOL

13 touches in the box, 3 more clear attempts and 2 big chances to add to the collection. Is there ANY point that statistical virgins will stop masturbating over his numbers and utter those immortal words “you know what, he might be terrible at shooting lads?”

MARTIAL – 6.4 – MANCHESTER UTD

Most of my readers are probably too young to have watched the 1980s rom-com Mannequin, a truly questionable movie in which a sad sack man falls in love with… well… a mannequin that comes to life.

Martial was the understudy to that movie. Only he never came to fucking life.

True story.

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SUMMARY

A single day of relief before we return to abject misery, getting fisted by lying FPL managers, late cry offs and footballers getting paid thousands of pounds for missing the fucking target from 6 yards out.

I want the pain to stop. But I still own Areola. So that’s that fucked.

HM.

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