THE SOLANKE GOODBYE
I’m not here to stand on fucking ceremony. Let’s dive in and see what dickheads dipped themselves in urine and soiled our teams this week.
Quick, before we lose our fucking points and don’t show enough respect.
EDERSON – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY
Averaging just 2.9 points per game, even calling Ederson a goalkeeper is a potential oxymoron at this point.
He is a 6 a side sweeper masquerading as somebody who’s day job is to try and keep the ball out of the fucking net.
KILMAN – 4.5 – WOLVES
A truly rancid defensive performance from Wolves. Granted West Ham roll a D20 every match to determine whether they’re allowed to turn up, but you’ve got to be better than this lads.
Like watching a field of cows slipping around in their own shit whilst giving birth. Awful.
ANYBODY FROM BRIGHTON’S BACKLINE
Is it a genuine question at this point to ask if Brighton will ever keep a clean sheet again? Is defending just a fucking concept to them?
They concede chances at absolute will and are still playing James Milner in competitive football matches.
BEYER – 4.0 – BURNLEY
Burnley getting relegated is more of a certainty than the planet eventually being ravaged by rising temperatures and sea levels. But I suppose if you’re a climate change denier, you might think they have a fucking chance.
So keep believing.
TOFFOLO – 4.4 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST
I’m not quite sure what Toffolo is? Is he a defender who can’t defend or a creative midfielder being asked to try and do so? Why is he on set pieces instead of Morgan Gibbs-White? He is absolutely bollocks at them.
He sounds like a middle eastern dessert and plays like he’s just eaten ten of them.
He is from Hertfordshire.
ANTONY – 6.8 – MANCHESTER UTD
Like watching a blind dog chase a ball you’ve hurled in the opposite direction, Antony is arguably the worst signing in the history of the club.
He averages a return every 8 hours of football playing as a wide forward and cost £85m.
£14m per attacking return over an 18-month period of absolute fucking filth.
For context, Dan James achieved one every 4 hours.
That’s right. Dan James.
ODEGAARD – 8.4 – ARSENAL
Absolutely superb throughout, Odegaard had 25 shots on goal and created 17 chances for Gabriel Jesus to spanner over. This was like watching Bruno Fernandes on fucking heat. What a baller.
3 points, no returns. Football is played on grass you dick.
DIAZ – 7.4 – LIVERPOOL
Kept quiet for virtually the entire match by Diego Dalot. As shameful sentences go, this is right up there with getting arrested for pissing yourself in public.
A turgid, wet fart of a performance.
Unless this is a deliberate hustle against Andy Martin. In which case, respect.
DARWIN – 7.6 – LIVERPOOL
In February Liverpool have Burnley, Brentford, Luton and Forest in a row. I’m telling you now, because people are going to suggest Nunez is a good differential for that run.
If you listen to them again you don’t deserve to get a Christmas present this year. I honestly hope Santa shits in your stocking.
ALVAREZ – 6.9 – MANCHESTER CITY
He can barely walk, but that doesn’t matter to Pep. Haaland was given a week off on a Spanish beach whilst City’s other forward is whipped like a stallion in the middle ages to play every… fucking… game… until… Kevin… returns.
He just wants to sleep Pep. For fucks sake man, let him.
JIMENEZ – 5.3 – FULHAM
AND KEEP THE CHANGE YER FILTHY ANIMAL
Thanks to everybody who has supported this chaotic thread of filth in 2023. It’s the only thing I (creatively) write that I really care if anybody reads, so honestly, it does mean something.
I’ll be back after Christmas with a festive round up.
Have a great break all. One love. HM.