THE HUNGER BENCH GAMES
I don’t think we need to waste any time here. Let’s dive in and not see Phil Foden absolutely anywhere.
DUBRAVKA – 4.2 – NEWCASTLE
I don’t want to say that Nick Pope was a big loss, but Newcastle had conceded 3 goals once in an entire year with him in net.
They have now conceded 3 or more in 6 of the last 9 matches he has missed.
Like replacing a BMW with a fucking skateboard.
RICHARDS – 3.9 – CRYSTAL PALACE
Like the stay puft marshmallow man after a heavy night on the proton packs, Richards crashed around ineptly in 90 minutes of near impossible horseshit. Conceding 4 goals, winning not a single header and offering the attacking threat of a flea urinating into the wind.
ALEXANDER-ARNOLD – 8.5 – LIVERPOOL
Dragged after just 57 minutes of tossing himself off in a London hellscape, this is probably a pivotal moment in Trent’s career. The impetuous Connor Bradley has shown us glimpses of Liverpool’s future; what does he need to do now, to not become, like Klopp, Liverpool’s past.
That’s probably a bit dramatic I’m sure he’ll smash in double digits against Burnley and everybody can go back to saying how he’s the best asset in the game and not… checks notes… the worst value player this side of Martin Nodegaard.
GABRIEL & SALIBA – 5.0/5.6 – ARSENAL
The Arsenal centre backs were largely imperious here, and have been for most of the season after the initial month of Arteta playing on Death March difficulty for a fucking laugh.
But this is FPL. And they got 0 points between them because they shat themselves for 10 seconds.
Absolute wankers. It’s like they don’t care about us at all.
BOGLE – 4.5 – SHEFFIELD UTD
I’m not saying Sheffield United are heading back to the Championship, but if this was a house move, the new owners would already be knocking on the door asking when they’re gonna just get up and move the fuck out.
BOWEN – 7.9 – WEST HAM
After being declared legally dead by David Moyes, Jarrod Bowen has risen from the grave to play 90 minutes 3 times in a row… and been absolutely fucking awful in all of them.
He is as much of a number 9 as that twat who keeps pissing in my letterbox.
ENZO & CAICEDO – 4.5/4.8 – CHELSEA
£220m can buy you a lot in this world. Cars, Planes, Gold… a small fucking island in the Caribbean.
Or if you’re Chelsea, it buys you the 11th best central midfield pairing in the league who can’t pass, can’t shoot and can’t fucking tackle.
What a club.
JOTA – 8.1 – LIVERPOOL
High on double game week fever, reckless FPL managers with silken hair stopped everything to get him in this week for the prime fixture of… checks notes… Arsenal away.
Fucking hell lads, better bench a Manchester City attacker to take advantage of that fucking pearler.
OLISE – 5.9 – CRYSTAL PALACE
NUNEZ – 7.4 – LIVERPOOL
I have now run out of things to write about Darwin Nunez. As such, I am prepared to subcontract his now permanent residence in this column. If you want the job, DM me a poem and I’ll consider your application. No nudes. Can people please stop sending me nudes.
SOLANKE – 7.1 – BOURNEMOUTH
What the fuck mate? I could have captained any fucking attacker almost at random and got more points than you this week. Does Luis Sinisterra even know who you fucking are? Maybe introduce yourself before the next game kicks off you colossal twat.
I know the poor cunt was used to playing with Paddy Bamford but fuck me. COME ON.
That’s all folks. At least for now. I’m off to New Zealand from next week for a month. Where I’ll be sleeping through matches, missing Toni & Will’s made up team leaks and potentially getting eaten by an Orca.
I’ll be back. My FPL team might not.
One Love. HM.