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TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 35

Imagine waiting 35 weeks to play a wildcard for this tornado of horseshit. Players going down like they’re in Enemy of the fucking Gates the second they enter my team.

Let’s dive in before two more get bloody snipered in Gameweek 35.

EDERSON – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY

I’ve been burnt by the Wildcard/Bench Boost combo before. So it’s safety first for me by going Eder… OH FUCKING HELL HIS ARM IS IN A FUCKING SLING!

The only way this could get worse is Gvardiol scor… I want to fucking die.

SCHAR – 5.7 – NEWCASTLE UTD

Right, we’ve got this Fabian. Lock in that thunderbastard it’s only Sheffi… and you’ve already fucking conceded.

Okay, we got you for attacking returns anyway. Come out in the 2nd half and blow them away 5-1. Easy.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?

VAN HECKE – 4.1 – BRIGHTON

At least this twat had the decency to get injured before the match. Respect that. Just took one look at being in a wildcard and thought nah mate I ain’t fucking turning up for this shit, you’re on your own. Baller.

Unrelated, who’s a good replacement for this utter bastard?

PORRO – 5.8 – TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS

Fucking hell, somebody who actually played and didn’t get injured.

3 down in 38 minutes WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF EVEN HAVING CHIPS IN THIS SODDING GAME.

I’ve ran out of lubricant and this twat is fetching the stuffed bear claw. Just make it fucking stop.

And give me something for the pain.

RUBEN – 5.5 – MANCHESTER CITY

Oh look, we’re back to a fucking no show again. Terrific. It’s okay, it’s not like the defender you could have bought from City is going to get a 15 point haul or anything.

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No wait that’s what actually fucking happened. Is Variance on fucking cocaine or something?

FODEN – 8.3 – MANCHESTER CITY

Phil hasn’t let me down all season, he isn’t going to start now… and he’s not there

GARNACHO – 5.0 – MANCHESTER UTD

WE HAVE SOMEBODY WHO PLAYED PEOPLE. HE WAS FUCKING THERE. FOR 90 FUCKING MINUTES!

Let’s see how he got on.

17 touches in the box, 6 attempts, 2 big chances, 3 chances created.

Returns… fucking zero. I give up.

MUDRYK – 6.3 – CHELSEA

I’m not saying Mudryk lacks footballing intelligence, but he appears to the sporting equivalent of plankton. His movement and decision making relying solely upon the wind, rather than by any noticeable design.

He is absolutely terrible.

SALAH – 13.5 – LIVERPOOL

Tossed on like a forgotten afterthought in the footnotes of despair that has been Liverpool’s last few weeks. What a limp and feeble end this is to one of the great players in league history. It’s unlikely that he will slot in again next season.

The King is dead, long live the King. Whoever the fuck that is.

Not anybody in my FPL team I’ll you that for fucking free.

JACKSON – 6.9 – CHELSEA

Great, back to the fucking wildcard of raging excrement then. I owned Ollie Watkins last week, now I own this steaming pile of shit. A guy who couldn’t fucking score in the backstreets of Amsterdam. A striker who would miss the swimming pool trying to dive in.

Fucks sake.

WOOD – 4.8 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

I’m not saying that Chris Wood wants Burnley to stay up, but did anybody check he wasn’t wearing one top underneath the other?

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A performance of almost audacious incompetence, Wood missed 3 barn door chances to FUCKING STOP GVARDIOL GETTING 15 BASTARD POINTS

GAMEWEEK 35 SUMMARY

Look, all I’m saying is just once can I play a wildcard and it not result in a string of fucking injuries, a royal family member dying, or the whole of fucking Shrewsbury getting covid.

It’s like a fucking Bat-signal for gargantuan variance. I’m going back to the snooker. Fucking real sport.

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