A seasonal banquet of bastardness. Join me in unwrapping this lump of coal, soaked in shit and fisted northward until you vomit it up.
Let us dive in. Goggles on.
SANCHEZ – 4.7 – CHELSEA
Absolutely insistent on putting his defence under pressure again and again, RDZ literally sold this tosser because he couldn’t pass water.
Only a club as systematically stupid as Chelsea would snap that up as part of a rebuild and think it would go well.
ZOUMA – 4.5 – WEST HAM UTD
0 successful tackles
0 successful headers
0 successful duels
0 successful interceptions
0 successful blocks
0 successful recoveries
Sometimes the stats ARE the joke, and no other words are needed.
This was close to the worst performance by a centre back in the history of professional football.
TRIPPIER – 7.0 – NEWCASTLE
Dreadful in back to back matches, this was less of a performance and more a man on the last mile of a marathon. His clothes soaked in sweat, his shorts soaked in his own urine.
By the end he was so tired he got booked for taking a nap.
REGUILON – 4.4 – TOTTENHAM
Less of a footballer and more of a wandering sex toy. Ten Hag may as well have wound up a dildo and let it run up and down the left flank until its batteries died.
The Bournemouth attack might have fucking played with that less.
AKE – 5.0 – MANCHESTER CITY
Manchester City have kept a single clean sheet all season when Nathan Ake has started. That was the opening day of the season. He has started eight times and has more goals than clean sheets.
Yes, I know this isn’t especially funny, but they can’t all be fucking winners.
FERNANDES – 8.3 – MANCHESTER UTD
A piss-soaked rag of a performance. Moaning, whining, sniping, kicking, fouling. This would be potentially forgivable if he wasn’t misplacing passes with the frequency that a 3-month-old takes a shit. Where the fuck is he even supposed to be playing.
Is he fucking lost at sea?
HAVERTZ – 7.1 – ARSENAL
Obvious to anybody but the manager that was never going to be a game Havertz was suited to, Arteta played him anyway because he scored in the last match and so is in “form.” Or something.
Was totemically wank. Never got in the box, never had a shot, created fuck all and other than one header, completed not a single defensive action until his useless whisky soaked carcass was dragged from the pitch before the hour mark.
MITOMA – 6.5 – BRIGHTON
Rotated, starts, injured, rested – does anybody even know anymore with post modern meta manager Roberto De Zerbi. The Japanese attacker has not scored since GW6.
He now drifts on to the pitch at random intervals to shimmer with xVibes menace and cross the ball out of play.
WISSA – 5.8 – BRENTFORD
The Brentford “striker” has scored once in 20 hours and was as useful as a toothbrush in the desert at the absolute fucking fortress that is Bramall Lane.
He has had 28 chances and 6 big chances in that period. Stats that would make Darwin Nunez… well not blush… but you know, respect that there are others equally as shit as him.
BROJA – 4.9 – CHELSEA
At least Nicolas Jackon is involved. All be it half the time it feels like he’s kicking the ball away from his own net. Broja was less visible than the Canterville Ghost.
66 minutes of near-perpetual invisibility. He completed 5 (five!?) passes before vanishing into the aether.
This is an absolutely horrific Chelsea team. If they were a horror movie franchise, even the killer would have quit by now.
HA HA LAND – 14.0 – MANCHESTER CITY
I knew about Haaland’s injury before the deadline. Which is why I sold him for Alavrez, captained him instead, and then told all the community the day after so they saw me as a hero and not the cut-throat charlatan I actually am.
My god, a full 4 days off before we gorge ourselves on the festive schedule. Let us savour this last remaining vastitude of peace, and light a candle for those who we’ve left behind.
Or worse, didn’t vice-captain Mo Salah this gameweek.
Merry Christmas you filthy animals. HM.