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TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 30

GAMEWEEK 30’S PISS POOR THINGS

I hope you all had a good Easter, sat there with your fucking roasts, chocolate and FPL points whilst some people died on the fucking cross and got none. They also didn’t get the Team of the Weak article for Gameweek 30, either.

Let’s do this.

LENO – 4.8 – FULHAM

Imagine going on public twitter and (rightfully) mocking everybody for the car crash combo of Areola and Dubravka… and then watching Leno make a single save and concede 3 goals to Sheffield United.

Andy Martin is responsible for 75% of all stupid things said on Twitter.

The rest is me.

COUFAL – 4.6 – WEST HAM UTD

Not so much destroyed by Anthony Gordon, but torn apart, cracked open and feasted upon from within. West Ham’s right hand side was battered by a rampant Newcastle, a team finally realising they have to score 4 goals to ever win a match again.

BADIASHILE – 4.4 – CHELSEA

You’ve just conceded two goals to 10-man Burnley. Let me repeat that, 10 man, Burnley.

Under skills, you’ve put tackling and heading.

That’s your job. Roy Keane intensifies.

SCOUT

AIT-NOURI – 4.6 – WOLVES

He missed an open goal and was then dragged barely past the hour mark after his manager admitted he was “fucking knackered”.

If you bought him, Lascelles and Gusto on your wildcard, good luck fielding a team this week…

ESTUPINAN – 4.9 – BRIGHTON

Fair play to Estupinan, he has gone from an absolute lock in most FPL teams to looking like he can’t remember what sport he’s supposed to be playing.

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Clearly ill-suited in RDZ’s random formation generator this month, he looks like a rabbit that’s been shot and is still trying to get one last shag in before he dies.

LUTON AND A LEAD

In front against City, Liverpool, Arsenal, Bournemouth and now Spurs. Luton throw away points in second halves like a pissed up gambler who just won’t fucking quit while he’s ahead.

On the positive side, Tonali might be available next season. He’d fit right in.

PHILLIPS – 4.7 – WEST HAM UTD

In what is fast becoming the greatest fall from anonymity in the history of football, Kalvin Phillips celebrated losing his England place to a child from Stockport by playing 20 minutes and helping his side go from 3-1 up to losing 4-3.

He abused a fan afterwards for sheer vibes. Spectacular.

MCTOMINAY – 4.6 – MANCHESTER UTD

Not a DM, not a number 10, not a ball playing number 8. What is Scott McTominay other than a desperate throw of the dice in the final few minutes? I know it was Saturday night, but we could have seen some fucking moves on the actual pitch you twat.

SARABIA – 4.7 – WOLVES

He might be on penalties, said some pillock on Twitter. Which is great, because he’s about as useful in open play as a fucking aardvark tipping up at Augusta.

Just stop recommending Wolves players, all of you. They are not serious people.

SAKA – 9.0 – ARSENAL

Wandered around for 70 minutes, realised he was getting absolutely fucking nowhere so picked up his standard knock and dramatically limped off the pitch ready to start the next match.

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Look, you’ve just gotta respect it at this stage.

HAALAND – 14.3 – MANCHESTER CITY

Absolute dog shit from start to finish. I’d have been embarrassed to watch Roberto Sonaldo be this ineffective, let alone an alleged demigod.

A league two player said Roy Keane, who has always been very positive when it comes to the Haaland family. So that checks out.

SUMMARY

What’s that? It starts again tomorrow. TOMORROW? I’ve got more flags than a fucking UKIP rally.

I’m off to smash a Caramilk chocolate egg, that I bought myself, because you try living with me.

Keep smiling you reckless twats. HM.

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