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TEAM OF THE WEAK – GAMEWEEK 33

What is left at this point, but to pick ourselves off the turf and somehow find a way to keep going in the face of such reckless shite.

Deep breath. Let’s dive in and try and forget any of this ever happened in Gameweek 33.

MURIC – 4.3 – BURNLEY

Burnley have had half the teams around them docked points, and still sit in 19th having won just four times all season. They can’t score, they can’t keep clean sheets… and then when they finally look like doing both… their keeper does that.

I don’t think it’s meant to be.

VAN DE VEN – 4.4 – TOTTENHAM

In one of the most memeable moments since Phil Jones cluster-fucked his way into existence, Micky van de Ven decided to duck and cover rather than attempt a tackle. Allowing first Isak, the Gordon to smash past his keeper and condemn himself to a lifetime of satire. Almost uniquely bollocks.

MURILLO – 4.5 – NOTTINGHAM FOREST

Forest continue to be in danger of relegation despite the mercurial brilliance of Gibbs-White and having Alan Shearer in his prime up front in the body of Chris Wood.

They have kept 1 clean sheet in 22 matches. So you know, that might be fucking why.

VVD – 6.6 – LIVERPOOL

Liverpool have conceded at home to Palace, Brighton, Luton, Burnley, Fulham and Sheffield Utd in their last 10 fixtures at Anfield. They’ve also conceded in the other 3 as well (to Man City, Chelsea and Arsenal)

VVD, the best centre-back in the league. What fucking year is it?

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HASHIOKA – 4.0 – LUTON TOWN

One of three comedic own goals on Saturday, the Japanese international turned Haaland’s corner-bound strike into his own net, conceded five goals and generally wallowed around in his own shit.

I like Luton, but they’re just fucking awful.

CASEMIRO – 5.3 – MANCHESTER UTD

I’m not sure anybody can believe that Casimiro is still getting started at this point. He’s like an Uncle who used to be fun and now just sits there in the corner getting drunk and urinating themselves.

Just stop fucking inviting him over you dickheads.

SON – 10.0 – TOTTENHAM

Touching the ball just 16 times in the opposition half, a visibly knackered Son mustered zero shots before being put out of his misery before the hour mark.

Few players in World Football have had their workload managed as badly as the South Koreans over the past few years.

The good news for Spurs fans and for FPL owners, is that he finally has a two-week break before taking to a football pitch again.

Spurs could do worse than send him on vacation for half of that.

SALAH – 13.5 – SAUDI ARABIA

Seeing arguably the greatest FPL asset of our time fade gently into the ether is actually quite tragic to watch. Salah seems neither with us in body or mind, inexorably drifting around a the pitch before snatching at half chances like an injured duck towards soggy bread.

PAQUETA – 6.0 – WEST HAM UTD

A wretched performance within a wretched performance surrounded by wretched performances. Lucas Tolentino Coelho de Lima Paq… wait hold on, is that his full name? What the fuck? No wonder the twat has an island named after him.

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NUNEZ – 7.7 – LIVERPOOL

Look, at this point it’s just gone beyond a parody. I’m just happy that people keep picking him and I keep getting green arrows.

You are the centre forward of Liverpool and you get a chance every 18 minutes.

You take 1 in 10 of them. Be fucking better.

JESUS – 7.7 – ARSENAL

A pathetic performance from start to finish. Lots of forwards go missing, but few get as much of the ball and do so little with it as an off-form Gabriel Jesus. Threw himself to the ground to try and win a penalty, and was then made captain for 5 seconds before being dragged. Hero.

SUMMARY

Liverpool have 4 games before Spurs even play again. That is how mad the next few weeks are. Granted, all those games are now dead rubbers. I for one can’t wait to play my GW37 bench boost on mass-rotated City assets having won the league for the 115th time.

Or something. Is this done now?

HM

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